Being more 'Wayne'

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Stewart

Stewart King wants to speak up for those who aren't happy about stammering, and talks candidly about the frustration he feels and the technique that helps.

I am currently 64 and I have had a stammer all my life. That means around 62 years during which I was aware of my speech and what I see as its shortcomings.

My stammer has shaped my life. It has most certainly shaped my career and my social life. I have not accepted it — I hate it — I am stammerer and I hate it. I'm truly sorry to use a word like 'hate' because it is used all too often these days and in some awful contexts. But I have to be honest, I truly despise my stammer.

I often find myself trying to talk like 'normal folk', which is way too blummin' fast, and I have to kick myself and try to 'Be More Wayne' — Wayne being a chap I met in the Louisiana bayou who simply didn't give a monkey's and spoke really slowly, really deliberately and really, really carefully. He inspired me to acknowledge that speaking slowly and deliberately is nothing to be ashamed of.

I am a stammerer who is not happy or accepting of my stammer, and I'm pretty sure I am not alone.

I have been on a course which claimed to cure stammering. It didn't, because of course that isn't possible, but it did help me to gain more control over it. I firmly believe that if the man running the course were to meet Wayne he would have renamed it 'Be More Wayne'. 

The technique I learned on that course was all about slowing right down, taking a breath — maybe more than one — before speaking, driving down into the first sound and 'imposing' your speech on the other person. It is not easy, it is not comfortable and it requires a great deal of effort and thought. But when I get it right it feels wonderful.

Telling people how it is

At 64 years old, I have also come to terms with telling people how it is. So when I answer the phone and draw out that first sound and the other person laughs nervously and/or says, "Oh, did you forget your name?", or some similar stupid response, I tell them, "No, I have a stammer. I have always had a stammer and to control it I use a technique to calm myself in my speech". I wish I had had the confidence and awareness to say this years ago but hey ho, age brings experience so it is what it is, as they say.

My stammer has ruled my life and that is really shitty. The voice should be a tool and a conduit for great ideas. Instead it is something I have to think about every time I speak; the mechanism far outweighing the content almost every time, which means my content — what I have to say — is either diluted or lost, and that's neither right nor fair.

I have found myself telling lies to cover what I really want to say because those words are easier. Or because I can put on an act to lie, whereas telling the truth means using my 'own voice'. Having a stammer is very complex, and can be mentally and physically draining, as I'm sure you all know.

But in the back of mind there is always something lurking, the 'what if' that (I think, anyway) is only there because of my stammer.

Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of what I have achieved in spite of my stammer — perhaps because of it. I have a gorgeous wife, two fantastic (now adult) children and I have run my own business for over 30 years. But in the back of mind there is always something lurking, the 'what if' that (I think, anyway) is only there because of my stammer.

Not what I want to be

So, you may well ask, what has prompted this diatribe? Well, it was a STAMMA webinar I attended last October on International Stammering Awareness Day. It was introduced by the new Chair Roger Pim and hosted by Scroobius Pip who talked to a panel of guests, all of whom just seemed so content with their stammers, so happy to talk at 'normal' speed and stammer, hesitate and block openly. But that's just not me — or at least not how I want to be.

I wrote this article because I just needed to express myself after coming away from the webinar feeling like that. I am a stammerer who is not happy or accepting of my stammer, and I'm pretty sure I am not alone. I am the stammerer who constantly tries to be fluent using a technique I am now calling 'Be More Wayne', which is: 

• think before speaking (if I can)
• start my speech with a controllable and slow, drawn-out sound
• speak slowly — very slowly even, and
• don't be afraid to explain why I speak slowly.  

This works for me. If you feel the same way as I do, it may work for you.

Editor's note: If you are looking for help with stammering, it's a good idea to see what options are available in terms of one-to-one speech & language therapy or group stammering courses. With these you can learn and practise techniques with a specialist, or with those who use them and find them helpful. The options can also help address how stammering might be making you feel. Call our free helpline or use our webchat if you would like to talk through these options.

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