Poem: My Voice

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Andrea

Andrea Griffiths gives us the background to her poem all about the challenges of stammering, and her determination to live life to the full.

My Voice

By Andrea Griffiths

I try to speak but out comes no sound
The things I say fall like rocks to the ground 
I try to utter words but I don't have a say 
If I can't express myself what role do I play? 
To join a discussion I try and I try 
But the words don't come out and I want to cry 
To introduce myself, to say my name 
But the words I muster just fill me with shame 
To make a phone call is so hard, what to say, how to start?
To hold my breath and not look at the words 
Till the last minute I glance and out they all spurt 
Don't finish my sentence, laugh or tease 
To hear me out, why don't you just please?
To express myself the way that I feel
The confidence to ask what I want for a meal 
To express my opinion and let me take part 
And you can see all I need that is in my heart 
From the child inside that is now grown 
And the seeds of new life in her mind I have sown 
To stand in the light and not to fear 
And not shrinking in the darkness and just disappear 
To use my voice, to have a say 
And continue to move forward, now here I stay.

About my poem

With this poem, I tried to get across the difficulties of having a stammer. But it's also about being determined for it to not put me off doing all the things I want to do and to move forward with my life.

I have been writing for a while but a few weeks ago I resigned as a volunteer Board member for a housing trust after speaking out about the way it treated its tenants. I came home livid and wrote in my journal, which I do most days. I started writing how I felt as a poem and the floodgates literally opened. 

I try to speak but out comes no sound.

I know what I want to say. I can see the words in my mind but I sometimes physically can't get them out. I find words that start with 'th' hard to start a sentence with. It makes me feel really worked up and nervous when I try and start a conversation. 

The things I say fall like rocks to the ground.

When I speak sometimes it doesn't sound like it makes sense to me. I get mixed up with my words and I can't explain myself.

I am slowly stepping into the light and being who I should have been a long time ago.

I try to utter words but I don't have a say.

When I was trying to get my point across eloquently to 20 executives at the recent Committee meeting, I felt like I wasn't being heard or taken seriously because of how I was wording my answers.

To join in a discussion I try and try
but the words don't come out and I want to cry.

I could never take part in pop quizzes in pubs even though I knew all the answers as a music fanatic. It was so frustrating. 

I was mentoring someone on a Zoom meeting recently for a charity I support. I know I did my best but I wanted to say more and couldn't.

To make a phone call is so hard.

When I was younger my mum made me call her friends to rearrange an appointment and I hated it. I wanted to cry and say I couldn't do it but she didn't listen. Fortunately the family friend knew it was me and it turned out OK. Making phone calls every day is difficult but I still do it because I know I have a lot to offer.

To hold my breath and not look at the words
Till the last minute I glance and out they all spurt.

I was brought up in a strict religion and we had a Bible study every Tuesday at my mum and dad's house, where we had to read aloud from the Bible. I would read it out loud really fast and get it over and done with. It was really hard.

Don't finish my sentence, laugh or tease 
To hear me out, why don't you just please.

People, strangers, family and friends would either make fun of me, finish my sentences, imitate me or ignore me when I tried to speak. It was a difficult time for me. I used to always stay in my room or stay in the background so I didn't stand out enough to be made fun of.

From the child inside that is now grown 
And the seeds of new life in her mind I have sown
To stand in the light and not to fear 
And not shrinking in the darkness and just disappear 
to use my voice, to have a say.

As a child I always wanted to take part in discussions, to meet new people, make new friends and learn new things, but having a stammer and the reactions from others stopped me from doing so.

But now, I'm doing a wide range of things from going to art groups and Zoom meetings to being on committee boards and going to learning conventions. I am slowly stepping into the light and being who I should have been a long time ago.

Read more Your Voice pieces from people who stammer and their allies. 

Would you like to write something? Do you have a poem, a song, a piece of art or an article about stammering? See Submit Something For The Site or email editor@stamma.org for details.