"By the way, I have a stammer"

Image

Caption

Olivia

With the pressure to appear fluent affecting her mental health, nurse and lecturer Olivia Durning tells us why deciding to be open about it was a game-changer.

My name is Olivia, I am 26, a registered nurse and university lecturer, and I have had a stammer for as long as I've been able to speak. As someone who works in very communication-dominant roles, I wanted to give an insight into how I got here. 

As a child I wasn't aware of what a stammer was, or that I had one. All I knew was that saying certain words felt hard sometimes. Because of that, I used to go with my mum after school to see a nice lady who would talk and play games with me. I didn't realise at the time that this was speech therapy because to me it was just playtime!

Fitting in

I 100% believe the best thing my parents ever did for me when I was growing up was never medicalising my stammer and making it seem like it was a problem that needed fixing. I was blissfully unaware of it until around the age of 9 when I started to recognise I spoke differently to other children.

...the best thing my parents ever did for me when I was growing up was never medicalising my stammer and making it seem like it was a problem that needed fixing.

When I progressed to secondary school, all support plans went out the window and I was made to adapt to the system, rather than being given additional support. This is where I developed my own covert tools to appear more fluent and fit in with other students. I don't recall my covert strategies being born out of shame or embarrassment; to me it was strictly survival and about getting through the next day, the next class, the next conversation. I became an expert in word-swapping and finding ways to skip over words when having to read out loud to the class so no one would notice.

This was not a flawless system and I still had a recognisable stammer to my teachers. So much so that when I was completing my GCSEs and exploring potential career paths, two of my teachers suggested I should consider less public-facing roles. "It will be far too challenging for you," they said. Fortunately, I've never been keen on being told what to do, so, ignoring their recommendations I decided to pursue my passions and ended up going to a top university and becoming a registered nurse (arguably one of the most public-facing roles there is).

• Become a STAMMA member for free

Pressure

This was not without its challenges as I had to navigate fast-paced hospital wards, making quick decisions, phone calls, handing over important patient information to staff, pronouncing complicated names of medications to patients, and delivering bad news to families (to name a few), all whilst trying to manage my stammer.

...it became clear that trying to force 'perfect' speech was going to come at a cost: my mental health. 

Completing a nursing degree is physically, mentally and emotionally taxing for anyone. But throw a stammer into the mix and you face a whole new set of challenges. I definitely experienced deteriorations in my mental health at several points during my degree related to stammering — the mental effort it took to get through a shift whilst trying to appear fluent became unmanageable at times. I would wonder why I was going home so much more exhausted than some of my other student nurse colleagues.

I didn't realise how much pressure I was putting on myself to be fluent and it became clear that trying to force 'perfect' speech was going to come at a cost: my mental health. The one thing that helped me to let go of that pressure was introducing a seven-word phrase into my daily vocabulary: "By the way, I have a stammer".

Asking for support

Up until then I was hesitant to tell people I stammer in case it had a negative impact on my career. As a nurse, communicating is the foundation for everything I do and because the media often portrays people who stammer as nervous, insecure or anxious, I was worried that patients and staff would lose confidence in me if they thought my stammer was caused by those things, when it isn't. I needed to pass the placement and didn't want to be failed because others thought I was a bad communicator or that I was incompetent. 

The turning point was when a good friend told me "You can't be mad at someone for not knowing what they don't know". I realised after hearing that, that I was frustrated because I wasn't being supported, but I had never communicated the support I needed to anyone! Accessing support is a two-way street and people can only support you if they know you need it. So by opening up about my stammer, I started the conversation about how I could access the right support.

People can only support you if they know you need it. So by opening up about my stammer, I started the conversation about how I could access the right support. 

After deciding to say to someone "By the way, I have a stammer", as nerve-racking as it was, I felt the weight float off my shoulders and instantly felt less stressed. I started to do it more and I now say it whenever I meet someone new. Typically I am met with positive responses. Some people simply say "That's fine" and sometimes I get comments like "Oh, I didn't even notice" (which is not as reassuring as people think as it feels like I'm not being recognised for how much work I put into sounding fluent). Others are interested and ask questions. One colleague said, "How can I support you during teaching? Is there anything I should do or say?", which was really lovely to hear.

Telling people I stammer has been a game-changer for me. I no longer have to try to mask it and I can tell people what support I need to get through situations. Interestingly, I have found I am more fluent once I take the pressure off myself to be fluent.

• Get support with Stammering At Work

I decided to take this forward into my job as a university lecturer where I teach clinical skills to nursing students. Whenever I am teaching a new group, I make a point at the start of the session to explain that I stammer and the sounds they might hear, and invite them to ask questions if they wish.

I realised very quickly that I am the first stammering person many these students have ever met and I take pride in being that person for them. Pride in knowing that I am showing future nurses that stammerers can be in public-facing roles and be successful.

So, for anyone who has felt that their stammer should dictate their career path, please know that it never should. Follow your passions, you'll be surprised what you can achieve.

If you are feeling anxious or depressed about stammering, you chat with us. Call our free helpline on 0808 802 0002 or start a webchat. Also, see Stammering & Mental Health to find out what help is available.

Read more Your Voice articles. Would you like to write an article? See Submit Something For The Site or email editor@stamma.org for details.