The elephant in the room

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Becca with her pet dog Elvis

Becca Jones tells us how exploring her feelings towards stammering, through therapy, helped her to start viewing it differently.

Imagine not being able to move. Imagine not being able to walk. Having a stammer can be the same. Losing your voice and not being able to speak your mind. Unable to join in on the joke. Unable to answer a question in the classroom. Unable to order that coffee you're craving. A lot of people see their stammer as a real problem. It can feel like there's an imposter living in your body. Who doesn't pay rent! And completely and utterly misrepresents who you are as a person. A stammer often comes with feelings of fear, shame and humiliation. Every word takes effort and courage. 

I was one of the lucky ones. I was never bullied because of my stammer. A few comments here and there, but nothing severe. I was very shy in school with a small group of friends. At University, some of my friends didn't even know about my stammer. I was able to change words and hide it well. 

It was only when some things changed in my life that my stammer became more of a problem. I was no longer able to feel I was about to get stuck on a word, it would just happen out of nowhere, so I started avoiding things like using the phone. That's a big one! This is when I would start to feel things such as fear, embarrassment, shame and anger. 

It was getting to the point where I was sick and tired of the holding back and my stammer being the elephant in the room that nobody talked about.

Stammering doesn't begin when you speak. It starts from the minute you wake up to the minute you go to bed. The constant battle to hide your stammer. It was getting to the point where I was sick and tired of the holding back and my stammer being the elephant in the room that nobody talked about. That's when I decided to seek therapy.

Exploring my stammer

For as long as I can remember, I have never wanted to talk about my stammer. I mean, let's be real, the biggest fear for someone who stammers is talking! I never realised I had that many emotions about my stammer and how it makes me feel until I started my speech therapy journey. 

After years of trying to ignore the stammer because of how much hatred I had towards it, I was set the task of examining how I stammer and how my body feels when it happens. I was shocked to realise that most of the feelings I had were centred around being worried about what others were thinking and how they would react to my stammer. The constant battle of trying to stop the listener finding out.

According to a paper by Paul H. Brocklehurst:

"People who stammer are more aware of the mistakes they make (not only in speech), and they are more eager to correct them. It makes them keen workers, eager learners and automatically more driven towards perfection than their more fluent counterparts. This is why it's very common for people who stammer to be talented in areas such as music, writing and art. When you perceive yourself to be significantly error-prone it's your inner perfectionist talking!"¹

I for one strive for perfection in work and my daily life. When I read this article, it was like my whole life and who I am as a person made sense. 

...so many people just don't know how to react and respond when talking to someone who stammers. This needs to change.

What I've learnt

I have learnt so much from having a stammer without even realising it. It has given me insight into other peoples' pain and suffering. It made me understand that everyone has something they're fighting with.

I also realised that so many people just don't know how to react and respond when talking to someone who stammers. This needs to change. And I truly believe that the main reason for this is because so many of us who stammer are so damn clever at hiding it! But people who stammer have the unique opportunity to teach the world to listen. 

I want to learn how to live with my stammer instead of fighting against it and having it control my life. I hope that one day I can say that I am comfortable living with my stammer. Because how boring would it be if we were all the same! Not acknowledging it took away a power I didn't know I had until later. This generation is fortunate to have a new class of stammering advocates who openly stammer and loudly insist that their voices be heard.   

Express yourself in every way possible and practical. Don't let the fear of stammering get between you and the other person. People who stammer deserve to speak without shame, stigma or fear. My advice to anyone else who's also on this journey is: Feel everything. As much as things suck, being aware of it can help with your growth. There is a huge community here to support you. Your voice matters.

Let's educate people and make them listen.

¹From 'The Hidden Strengths of People Who Stammer', a paper by Paul H. Brocklehurst for the international Stuttering Awareness Day (ISAD) Live event. Download Paul's presentation at the ISAD Live website.

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Please note: speech & language therapy is one of the options available for people who stammer. See the full range of options on our One-to-one Adult Speech & Language Therapy and Adult Group Stammering Courses pages.